bell hooks has a line I kept thinking about while reading this: “To create loving men, we must love males… Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding males for living up to sexist‑defined notions of male identity.”
What she’s naming is the difference between loving men and centring men. Feminism asks to decentre men in the sense of refusing to organize our lives, our politics, or our emotional labor around male entitlement. But that doesn’t mean withdrawing care. It means refusing to love men as patriarchal subjects and choosing instead to love them as human beings capable of transformation.
Loving men in this way isn’t about prioritizing them; it’s about refusing to abandon them to the emotional starvation that patriarchy trains into them. It’s a form of solidarity that doesn’t excuse harm, doesn’t recentre male needs, and doesn’t make women responsible for men’s growth. It simply insists that men, too, deserve liberation from the system that deforms them.
In that sense, loving men is not a betrayal of feminist decentring. It’s one of the ways we help men step out of the patriarchal roles that feminism is trying to dismantle.
well this is actually amazing. its crazy to me how u put into words exactly what i feel: the acting like you dont care, ignore him when he ignores you, bla bla speech is another performance not only set by the patriarchal society we live in but by a lot of women too. lot of them dont praise it in a harmful way but it would be so great if they just noticed it is another way of conditioning women under men’s behaviour, interests and existence. we all deserve to be the woman we once dreamed of, and love, care and choose our people in a humanly way
Thank you for this! As someone who became avoidant after a tumultuous breakup, I now teeter in my dating era from desiring a relationship and not feeling bad about it
I absolutely loved the way you've written this so thoughtful and well balanced, and while I was a lil taken aback from the notes app screenshot, the lines forward made so much more sense how we start performing priortising ourselves eventually losing sight of what it was about to begin with. one of my best reads this week 💛
I’ve constantly heard the conversation about whether or not hating men is still centering men in your life. Honestly, hating men is still centering them. You are a whole person without connection to men. You can still fall in love with a man or many! Just focus on you.
This is so spot on! I’ve been ashamed for loving me. and wanting a relationship for most of my life- even to the point of trying to convince myself I was attracted to women instead. It’s such a messy and confusing world for straight feminist women. This was soothing to read
This!!!! I find it so hard to balance dating and decentering men. Funny enough I found it easy sometimes to decenter men when I was in a serious relationship, but dating is difficult because you are assessing the dates so much. I agree that I am always working to ask myself how I feel first! It’s a process that’s for sure because yes I do want connection and a relationship at some point
bell hooks has a line I kept thinking about while reading this: “To create loving men, we must love males… Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding males for living up to sexist‑defined notions of male identity.”
What she’s naming is the difference between loving men and centring men. Feminism asks to decentre men in the sense of refusing to organize our lives, our politics, or our emotional labor around male entitlement. But that doesn’t mean withdrawing care. It means refusing to love men as patriarchal subjects and choosing instead to love them as human beings capable of transformation.
Loving men in this way isn’t about prioritizing them; it’s about refusing to abandon them to the emotional starvation that patriarchy trains into them. It’s a form of solidarity that doesn’t excuse harm, doesn’t recentre male needs, and doesn’t make women responsible for men’s growth. It simply insists that men, too, deserve liberation from the system that deforms them.
In that sense, loving men is not a betrayal of feminist decentring. It’s one of the ways we help men step out of the patriarchal roles that feminism is trying to dismantle.
as a woman who is choosing to not actively dating atm but still daydreams about love this was so great to read thank you thank you <3
this has got to be one of the best pieces I've ever read on this app and the ending statement was just perfect
oh my gosh thank you
well this is actually amazing. its crazy to me how u put into words exactly what i feel: the acting like you dont care, ignore him when he ignores you, bla bla speech is another performance not only set by the patriarchal society we live in but by a lot of women too. lot of them dont praise it in a harmful way but it would be so great if they just noticed it is another way of conditioning women under men’s behaviour, interests and existence. we all deserve to be the woman we once dreamed of, and love, care and choose our people in a humanly way
Thank you for writing this! Opened my eyes to a fresh way of looking at things.
Thank you for this! As someone who became avoidant after a tumultuous breakup, I now teeter in my dating era from desiring a relationship and not feeling bad about it
Thank you for articulating this so clearly. I appreciate you.
I absolutely loved the way you've written this so thoughtful and well balanced, and while I was a lil taken aback from the notes app screenshot, the lines forward made so much more sense how we start performing priortising ourselves eventually losing sight of what it was about to begin with. one of my best reads this week 💛
I’ve constantly heard the conversation about whether or not hating men is still centering men in your life. Honestly, hating men is still centering them. You are a whole person without connection to men. You can still fall in love with a man or many! Just focus on you.
This is so spot on! I’ve been ashamed for loving me. and wanting a relationship for most of my life- even to the point of trying to convince myself I was attracted to women instead. It’s such a messy and confusing world for straight feminist women. This was soothing to read
https://aprettytulip.substack.com/p/the-lie-behind-getting-a-better-life?r=7q4x2h&utm_medium=ios
Hey guys just posted this can you give it a try tyy!!
This!!!! I find it so hard to balance dating and decentering men. Funny enough I found it easy sometimes to decenter men when I was in a serious relationship, but dating is difficult because you are assessing the dates so much. I agree that I am always working to ask myself how I feel first! It’s a process that’s for sure because yes I do want connection and a relationship at some point